March 10, 2023, is a day I will never forget. It’s the day I lost my soul sister, Makayla Alexandra. A beautiful, radiant transwoman. A fierce soul who deserved more time, more love, more kindness from this world.
I remember exactly where I was when I found out. I was playing Grand Theft Auto Online, one of my favorite games, completely unaware that my world was about to shatter. My husband, Anthony, answered my phone when it rang. He handed it to me, his face shifting as he said, “He sounds upset.” I took the phone, pressing it to my ear, pausing my game without a second thought.
It was Wole, our soul brother. Through several pauses, through the weight of his own tears, he managed to say, “Makayla… is… gone.”
I didn’t understand.
“What?” I asked, my heart stopping for a second.
“Makayla… is… gone… she… killed… herself.”
The words didn’t make sense. They couldn’t. Makayla, who had been there through so much, who had laughed with me, shared dreams with me, talked about life and love and struggles—how could she just be gone? My heart sank. I collapsed onto the bed, tears spilling uncontrollably as the reality of his words hit me like a truck. Anthony watched in confusion before I finally whispered, “Makayla… died.”
And then he held me while I sobbed into his chest, the phone still pressed to my ear as Wole and I cried together, mourning the person we had both loved so much.
Grief is a strange thing. It never fully fades, only shifts into different forms. Some days, it’s a quiet ache, a whisper of memories and laughter. Other days, it’s a tidal wave, drowning me in the weight of everything unsaid, everything I wish I could have done. I still wonder if I failed her—if I could have done something, said something, reached out more. Guilt is an ugly companion to grief.
But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I loved her. I still do. And I miss her with every fiber of my being.
Makayla, I hope you’ve found peace. I hope that wherever you are, there is no more pain, no more cruelty, no more weight of this world pressing down on your soul. You deserved better. You deserved so much better.
For anyone reading this, if you have ever felt like there’s no way forward, like the weight is too heavy, please know that you are not alone. There are people who care, people who want you to stay. I know the darkness can be suffocating, but please—reach out. Someone is always willing to listen.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek help. You are so important.
U.S. Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
International Help Lines: Find a helpline
You matter. Your story isn’t over yet.
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